I hate things today. For the last three days I have not lost even 100 grams. I’ve done pretty well, I think, by Optislim standards but obviously not good enough. It frustrates me to bits. Today is my ma’s birthday so even though I asked her if we could stick to the veggies for dinner I realised if it were my birthday the last thing I would want to eat is veggies. So I’m going to let her know I’m okay to eat whatever.

 

I have a massive load of inner dialogue today. It isn’t helped by the fact I feel so financially bound- which doesn’t make sense since I just got myself a job yesterday after some long, hard looking and I’m looking forward to the regular income. You’d think I’d feel relieved, but when I had to pay bills today I just felt like I couldn’t breathe. That’s a whole other ball of wax though.

 

Lets get on with the day then.

Day 1.

First day back on optifast and pretty successful all in all. I was at Coco lounge with Mike this arvo. God is so cruel, blessing us with so many beautiful days and I can’t even get out to enjoy them properly! So we went to the cafe again today and I had a couple of smoothies and they were delish. I wanted to eat, not because I was hungry, and Mike didn’t order any food.

This morning when I woke up I knew that today there would be moments of blindness when I would want to eat and I would be totally okay with it. I’m really trying to get to the root of this blindness, because it happens so often and with such fluidity that you only realised it came and went in your hangover. So it’s just always being aware  of it, aware it’s going to happen until you’re aware of it at the time it happens. And I’m so close to that but not quite there. I’ll enter into the blindness but don’t register it’s happening at the time. Of course. That’s a pretty pointless statement to make. Isn’t that what blindness is? An inability to see. Duh.

It’s a full body thing, too. It’s not strictly a mental whiteness that overcomes me but a physical one too. Everything in my body just says ‘yes! I can have this, it’s okay’. It’s a desire, a warm feeling that floods me from head to toe.

Time for me to go to bed. Goodnight;.