Day 1.

First day back on optifast and pretty successful all in all. I was at Coco lounge with Mike this arvo. God is so cruel, blessing us with so many beautiful days and I can’t even get out to enjoy them properly! So we went to the cafe again today and I had a couple of smoothies and they were delish. I wanted to eat, not because I was hungry, and Mike didn’t order any food.

This morning when I woke up I knew that today there would be moments of blindness when I would want to eat and I would be totally okay with it. I’m really trying to get to the root of this blindness, because it happens so often and with such fluidity that you only realised it came and went in your hangover. So it’s just always being aware  of it, aware it’s going to happen until you’re aware of it at the time it happens. And I’m so close to that but not quite there. I’ll enter into the blindness but don’t register it’s happening at the time. Of course. That’s a pretty pointless statement to make. Isn’t that what blindness is? An inability to see. Duh.

It’s a full body thing, too. It’s not strictly a mental whiteness that overcomes me but a physical one too. Everything in my body just says ‘yes! I can have this, it’s okay’. It’s a desire, a warm feeling that floods me from head to toe.

Time for me to go to bed. Goodnight;.

The depths.

I wrote an entry yesterday but it disappeared for some stupid reason.

Last night I had another one of those moments when I just collapsed. Everything inside me broke and I was suddenly in tears. I couldn’t explain it, I just suddenly felt totally helpless and I wanted food and food was the only thing to comfort me and I didn’t know how else to handle the situation.

A comment was made on a previous entry that I should stop making food such a big deal, to deal with it without going into a tail spin and enjoy it in moderation. But this is a lot bigger than just food. When I get into this place food is all I want, but it is not the source of the issue. Food is my coping mechanism, just as if it were alcohol, medication, cigarettes, running, etc. I’ll say straight up I immediately became defensive, as though the way I felt was invalid, or insignificant and I should just get over it. But that’s the same reaction I have from a lot of things and it’s not a personal thing. It’s just a sensitive reaction.

These situations that happened are triggered, I think, mostly by the inability of me to have something. Have food. Mike and I are trying something new, sort of. In a book he’s reading it mentions how the French have their main meals at lunch or breakfast, and it’s great because instead of having dinner and not burning it off you eat and then burn it off through the day. But when you try it, and get to 6pm and you got nothing but a shake to consume, I felt very lost and suddenly just wanted wanted wanted. I wasn’t prepared by the reaction I was going to have.

I was a mess. I didn’t know what to do, I knew if I ate I’d regret it. I was lost. Mike, the superhero that he is, held me and hugged me and gave me multiple options for handling the situation. Going for a drive somewhere, going bowling, giving in and eating, going to the gym, whatever I wanted to do I was allowed to do it. The moment he said the gym something in me said YES YES YES. We were going to play squash but canceled out. But I still felt this old habit of snuffing out my want to do things, the way I used to feel when we would go for a walk or any type of exercise. Just closing off, shutting down. I wanted to say no, bury my head in a bowl of potatoes. But I managed to get through it somehow and say yes, lets go. So Mike took me. And I had one of the best work outs I’ve ever had. It was awesome and I felt awesome afterward.

So thanks to my amazing boyfriend, I was able to move my way out of that once more. I was able to break that pattern once more. This is the second time it’s come upon me, and I know I have to face this and get through it in order to change. These moments were the difference between me going back and me doing something different. Feeling no hope at all and being totally blind to wanting health or any of my goals.

Anyway today I ate a lot more than I should have. I.e: pieces of chicken at lunch and a couple of rissoles at dinner along with my salad. Then I had some ice cream and strawberries. But I’m okay with that. I’m alright with the way I am right now.

Comfort and Safety.

This is me wondering if I’ll be able to enjoy food again.

But seriously. No bread, no fatty things, not without serious consequences. I’m sitting here in Kofi Bean cafe in Croydon, with some English Breakfast. It is strange, and frustrating, being in this place. Not the cafe, but where I am physically and mentally. Because I feel totally off my game and unwell, I keep thinking “That’s okay you can eat whatever you want. You have to keep your energy up and your body fueled!” So some mushrooms for breakfast or noodles for dinner last night or something. Means I’m maintaining, as opposed to dropping the weight. Or even putting on. I’m tempted to go over the road to the Dutch Supermarket to get some spiced biscuits or licorice. “It’s okay” I tell myself, “You’re allowed. You’re sick”.

Strange what the mind tries to get away with. I’m doing everything I can to battle this, I’m holding on with both hands. I can feel the sense of ‘once you have one thing, may as well just go the whole hog’ lingering over my shoulder. That I just need to give in once and then the gates of Heaven will open and all the food I want will come rushing to me. Totally irrational, and definitely would make me feel SO ill, but that’s the mind. That’s what’s happening. I got here not but stopping once I felt full, but by feeling full and continuing to eat anyway. I feel very uncomfortable and definitely full but it is because I’m in this place, because I’m seeking some sort of comfort and safety, that I want to eat. Eat eat eat. Oh god I want to so so badly. I feel like I Need to be handcuffed.

Sorry for all the sudden blog updates today- I was organizing from the old journal and there were some posts which weren’t on my journal but I wanted to keep them for a good reference.

Had fish and chips tonight. I am putting a stop to this. Right now. I really do.

Eating and giving in- means dealing with guilt, fear, and regret.

I refuse to give in. Eating chips tonight does not invalidate everything I’ve done. This is where change happens. THIS IS WHERE CHANGE HAPPEEEEEEEEEEENS! Rar.

Sorry for the yelling. I’m just sick and tired of this blindness that happens when I get hungry or want food. Everything else becomes meaningless and disappears from my mind. Where does it go?

Obsessive and broke.

The more I experience this journey the more I find myself obsessed with it. I don’t think obsession is a bad thing if it’s what I need to fuel me forward to get to my goals.

This also means this sort of stuff is always on my mind. All the way home I was trying to calculate how well, or not well, I’d eaten today. But right now anything over what my Optifast diet is allowed is considered ‘not well’. I even had a delicious lamb, cous cous, lettuce and feta salad for lunch with a side of chips that I gave to Mike after I’d had about a third of them. I had mineral water, an apple cider beer thing, a vodka and lemonade drink and then finished with some nice English Breakfast. I think I did very well considering I said yesterday I’ll pace myself and have a salad, then today when I got to the pub I basically wiped all of that out of my mind and said yes I want a steak sandwich. The thing that stopped me was seeing a steak sandwich at the next table and not being very impressed about it. So I did have the salad, at $18 a plate (eep).

We walked a bit too, I walked about 5km today- or as Mike’s pedometer stated, almost 5000 steps which is a great count for us.

Either way, I have a great inner conflict. Impulsive eating vs Wanting to fuel my body and make it work to the best it can. All other times, except when it comes to moments of eating and making a choice, I am ready to do good for my body and give it what it needs. I want to do everything I can to stick to the three shakes a day and veggies. I want to be clear in the head at the moments of eating. Just make the decision and do it.

I really, really want some Coolrunning gear but I’m so broke. I’d love the new buff they have offered, and also one of those visors but all together it’s $50. Also I’d love to do the Sri Chinmoy in September at Yarra Boulevard but that’s another $20. I didn’t want to do it but that was before I could run 5km. Now I just want to do it all the time! Having a short term goal before the MM I think is good, but I don’t know if I’ll get the money before hand.

Anyway enough of my money whinging! I think if I’m determined enough I can try and find some money somewhere… we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe I’m not ready for the Sri Chinmoy race.

Distorted perceptions

I am feeling very guilty tonight. I had chocolate ice cream. I actually technically had two dinners too. My normal veggies, then Aimee got home and made me stuffed mushrooms with spinach, walnuts and cottage cheese. Wasn’t bad in calories, really. But it’s the ice cream, now I feel totally frustrated with myself.

Tomorrow I’m going out with Mike’s mates for a birthday and they’re planning to drink and eat. I would like to say right now I’ll only have a salad but I don’t know how I’ll feel at the time. Facing the menu I feel impulsive, and I’ll have carbs and stuff.

I’m mainly worried about Monday. I’d like to put myself in a situation where I know I’ll be fueling myself for my next 5km run on Monday. That’s what I want- I really really want to be in the best physical condition I can be for Monday, but I really am worried about my ability to say no to carbs and sugar tomorrow. I should just decide and do my best to stick to it, as normal. I should use this as an opportunity to change my thought patterns, break them, change them. To be the person I want to be, to follow through, and understand why I’m doing it. I really do feel like trying to fuel my body as best I can for Monday’s run, that’s a high- the highest- priority for me right now. *inhale, exhale*

Disconnection.

These last couple of days I’ve been feeling a bit weak on the food side. I wondered if I should give in, have something other than what I should (other than veggies and the shakes). I think it’s because my period is coming up soon. Actually as it’s the 19th that would make a lot of sense.

Mike gave me the first chapter of a book, I can’t recall the title of the book at this stage but it’s all about a ‘low sacrifice’ diet, or rather a lifestyle plan. You have to keep reminding yourself, lifestyle plan! I’m changing EVERYTHING. Anyway about all this stuff- the book is about letting yourself eat the foods you ultimately want but for taste, not consumption. This is the basic rule of- eat what you want in moderation. And it threw me, wondering if I should start incorporating small things into my eating right now so that I can better maintain the shakes.

Mike’s nutritionist also talked about us doing two meals a week where we can eat a normal meal. Meat, any veggies (starch or otherwise), pasta etc. So now with these thoughts circulating around in my head I keep thinking, I can eat what I want. So long as I don’t blow it out I can do it. I’m losing track of my goal, it’s distorted in my head, unfocused.

I can’t eat other stuff on this diet- I have to stay in ketosis to keep losing weight, that’s the way it works! I’ve been fluctuating a bit at the moment, around 400gs up or down either way. I feel really disconnected with it all at the moment. A bit hopeless, wondering why I shouldn’t break it. When you’re just detached from your goals and ideals and don’t really feel like you know why you’re doing what you’re doing- even if you are 20kg down.

Tomorrow is swimming, Saturday is 5km run. I’m going straight into the 5km runs now- I’m very excited about it. Let me share a quote with you from George Sheehan.

Because of moments like this, moments of sudden illumination which come effortlessly and without trouble, this will become the most valuable hour of your day, and a most necessary part of your education. The educated man who does not move through the countryside with his own thoughts as his companions is in danger of never making the real discovery. Who he is.

There’s a lot of stuff that Mr Sheehan talks about that makes me feel uncomfortable, including how he is such a recluse and isn’t a people person and that’s the way he is. That all his life he tried to get along with people until he realised he should just stop and accept himself and that’s okay. And it is. But he also talks about this sort of selfishness- as he gives a speech to a crowd of medical students about to graduate, saying that they will never have friends, only people who know you by your first name who will call you day and night and ask things of you all the time so you must find your own space and time to be yourself.

I get the last part, I do, I really get that being on your own and being in your Self is so important. But then he reflects that with this negative perception of the world and the people in it and I feel betrayed, like I really believe in what he says but then he goes and says something like that. It confuses me!

So here I am, at school, doing everything I can to stop myself from going downstairs to the cafe to get myself an apple muffin. Muffins are great, sure, but I know they’re still full of sugar. *sigh* I want to indulge myself.