The Consumption Graph

*To Clarify: This graphic is how my body would react or what I would do should I have a break day every week I have Optislim. I don’t have a break day every week, or even every two weeks. I have set break days every three or four weeks, and I’m aware eating like this will not put me into Ketosis – which is the primary task of Very Low Calorie Diets (VLCD’s).

 

Andrew commented on my last entry and this is my response:

This is a graph I prettied up for my readers. It’s got some explanation there but I’ll add a bit more:

At the beginning before I decide to diet I buy as much as I want to consume. I kept the line of buying just beneath it because the desire to consume is never really sated. It comes back in waves. But as I pointed out as well- the purple line is how much I buy, not how much I eat. And when I leave Safeway with my lollies or cookies there’s always something else in the back of my mind I wanted.

It’s the second round- the first time I decide to splurge once I’m into Optislim which happens the first two or three weeks in- and the level of buying is still as high as it originally was. My brain doesn’t read my body yet. It says “GIVE ME FOOD. FOOD FOOD.” As much as what I would usually eat. It has no awareness that my body can’t take it.

Third round: I’m aware that my body won’t take as much in. I know if I buy as much food- which I desperately want to do- I won’t be able to eat it all. So I buy less. Still too much. I always end up buying too much, I never eat everything. If I’m splurging I’ll buy enough for one sitting and then again later, I suppose you could say. Except for tonight. That was a first. We only bought enough for us to eat in one sitting. Dinner and dessert.

Anyway- by fourth round you can see what’s happening. Beyond 7 weeks I haven’t ever gotten beyond that, but eventually the meeting a. the need to consume, b. my tolerance of fatty and sugary foods and c. how much I buy will occur.

The need to consume goes up sometimes, because going for a long time doesn’t turn off the want, like an addiction. There’s still a high level of want to consume but it’s split: That I should buy as much as I used to, just because that’s what I did. Buying for two sessions, for a long time | and buying what I want. And at that time, what I want is usually something savoury, surprisingly. I get over the sweet tooth first and then after that I just want savoury and carbs.

After all that the question was about insulin levels and how they handle over time on my diet. The insulin levels drop dramatically. But in the first two or three weeks I can have sugar and it may resemble what it used to be. A longer tolerance of sugar. However after approximately the third week the moment sugar or carbs – specifically bread- enters my body five minutes later I’m down for the count. Massive fatigue, headaches, drowsiness, followed by grumpiness, moodiness, more fatigue and then craving for more sugar to pick me up- initially. But when I’m over that phase I don’t crave sugar, I crave good stuff. It hits me hard, and to the point it really effects my choices in food. Knowing I’ll crash and that’s all I’ll get from it I end up passing and getting something else- at least that’s what happened last time when I was on it.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to any of you, but it’s nice to keep for my own records.

The image in my mind | Day 11 of Optislim

I have a particular image in my head I’d like to revisit. The emotions, the sensations, the vibrancy.

off for a run around Jells

It’s the day I was admitted into hospital for my gallstones. No, I don’t want to revisit that! Prior to being driven to the Emergency Room at Monash Mike and I went out to Jells Park here in Melbourne. It was an absolutely glorious day and after we both went for a 2.5km run around the lake we sat down on a blanket and ate some fruit and I listened to some music and chilled out while Mike went and took photos.

It’s – until the gall stone attack- one of my favorite moments. It’s a combination of… pride- for running around the track and feeling great about it, positive self esteem- because I was coming up to the 30kgs lost mark, joy- for the fruit I was eating I just…

at Jells Park

it was delicious and just what I wanted and I felt great I was in a place that I fed my body exactly what I needed and I wasn’t craving anything else, and inner peace. And endorphins.

So yeah, that’s what’s in my mind. That’s what I’m going towards.

Today: 144.4kgs 1.4 lost

Meditation: 30 minutes.

 

 

Also, when the running kicks in- I cannot CANNOT WAIT to use the crap out of my Garmin. I’m so in love with that thing.

Recovery. Seriously | MM Time- PB

Ankle’s bung. Body is buggered. By the end of last night at the end of the birthday thing at Strike bowling Mike and I were soooo exhausted.Might need to ice it today.

I can’t get my results off the site. I don’t know if they’ve put up the 5.7kms yet.

I want to knoooooooow.

*Edit: Finally! I got my time! Time is 1:07:23. Yeeeeeha! Wow I’m so happy with that. That’s a 3 minute PB.

Melbourne Marathon 10.10.10

I can’t confirm as yet but I believe I broke my last MM PB- which is 1.10. I’m sure I crossed the line at 1.08- but my mapmyrun says 1.12 and that includes me being way back at the back of the crowd before we actually crossed the line and then me not stopping the clock after I crossed the finish line.

Can you believe it if I actually did a new PB for that? I ran maybe 3 out of the 5.7km, including a long haul of 1.5km at the end . I shouldn’t have but I did anyways. How does my body feel? It feels okay but I know I pushed it, a lot. I was not listening to my body like I could have, and I got dizzy for a good part there. Also near the end when I refused to walk I felt the ache in my stomach, which funnily enough felt the same as if I had gallstone pain.

I feel great, my legs did well after they warmed up. Initially they felt soo tight but I kept on keeping on.

But I expect tonight I’ll be so buggered. I have a birthday party to go to. But yesterday I had an exhibit of my work at an exhibition in Collingwood which went really well. Would you like to see the work I had up?

Check it out here!

I met up with some Cool Runners afterward but was too nervous to keep moving around the group and introduce myself. I did meet some people, and finally met Cilla, Sarah and Kat and Stella at Transport [is that you Kat? I'm sorry if I've confused you with someone else there are a couple of Kat's on my blog list]! I missed out on meeting Andrew and Andrew which was a shame, they were some of my highest candidates for meeting! I mean, I’ve met AJ but I do like to catch up again. Also saw TigerBoy and Frankie, and met Dizzey and…. oh I met a lot of people and I’ve forgotten their names already! *sigh* Just means I have to go and attend more events they’re at!

I am so so proud of my Michael. He crossed the line at an amazing 1hr12mins- walking. We sort of did a tag team thing where he would go ahead and I’d try and keep up with him and then when I’d break into a run and get ahead he’d try and keep up with me until I walked and would fall behind again. But near the end I just tried to keep up with the running until I got really dizzy. And in the last 1.5k I ran cos, well, you have to run when you’re entering the MCG!

Photos to come.

Cry Wolf.

I am not myself.

I want to tell you something. Something that scares me to confess it, but that’s okay. It’s okay to be scared sometimes.

Part 1: Confession

When I was younger, in fact when I was older too, when I got sick more often than not I would fake it. This would be, of course, to get out of school. However I carried this into the workforce. The percentage of days I’ve actually been sick as opposed to just taking a sickie would probably wrap up to about 15-20% actually physically sick. But I would say that 80% of the 80% left has to do with mental health days- I think that’s what they’re called these days anyway. Just the days of depression/struggle/anxiety/general exhaustion or downtime. I think these are important, though.

However this isn’t just Scarlett not wanting to go into work. This has- in recent times now that I’m back at school- relayed again. I want school, I love school, it is a choice and hell- I’m paying for it. And yet I take days off. I’ll find excuses of being sick to curl up in bed and not move, a mental block rising up and I return to my childhood roots.

Because when I was younger I used to pretend I was sick, and now days when I take sickies it’s because of mental issues rather than physical issues, it makes me feel as though when I AM sick- I’m a farce. Sort of like crying wolf. And this has then lead to me putting on an act.

Part 2: Me trying to explain it more

I react to people around me, and situations around me, in a certain way that makes me completely blind as to how I actually am. Hmmm how do I explain this better? When I am sick I am influenced by all the times in my past that I wasn’t sick but said I was just so I could feel fragile or vulnerable or seek a bit of extra loving/caring/attention- and this leads to me emphasizing how I feel whether I am in pain or not. This was especially noticeable to me today, because I have this face on all the time when I’m around my mum.

I act in a specific fashion so as to get the response that I’m expecting. For example, when I stand up or sit down I might wince. I won’t even be in pain, but I’ll wince. This is to get mum’s attention, to tell her “yes I’m not well, I’m still fragile, look after me! Notice me!” When I walk around I hunch- to convey that I can’t stand up straight as I might be in pain. When I walk I walk slowly, like a grandmother.

But the thing is I even do this in times when there is no one around. I move, and wince, and stand in such a way that conveys I am fragile, vulnerable, still in pain when I very well may not be. This is something that’s just begun to come to consciousness. I have known for a long while that the child inside me, the little Scarlett, seeks attention when I am sick (mentally or physically). That I might emphasize particular aspects to get the extra cuddle, to get the “are you okay?” But I never realised that- especially now that I’m actually recovering from something- I have no idea at what rate my recovery is happening. I’ve only checked in with my body about 5% of the time.

Part 3: Change? Trying to do it differently

So while I walked today I really thought long and hard on it. If it was just me, and I didn’t have anyone looking after me and I went into the hospital and out- how would I be? How would I react? How quickly would I recover? First of all I saw that I want to recover- and quickly. I want to be active again. I want to run, swim, get back into my gym hopping routine. I want my clean vegetarian diet. I want to stretch and feel good about myself. I know that my body recovers very well and is really healthy.

I might even be ready to run on Sunday if that happened. But it would only be in a place where I would be on my own, independent. You may think that’s not a good idea when recovering- and I agree of course. There was definitely a stage up to a few days ago where I had to have others do stuff for me and help me get dressed cos I couldn’t do it myself. Whether I liked it or not, whether I was acting or not my body would say “Whoa shit! Sit down”.

But with others around I am so influenced and my ego seeks attention so constantly I have lost who I am and how capable I am. Such as whenever my mum offers me any food, I accept because this part of me that feels 5 years old wants to be approved by her and will take her offerings.

Part 5: The ripple effect. Where else in my life?

I do this with everyone. Mike, my mum, my dad, my housemates. It doesn’t matter whom I am around I do it.

And so I’m trying to find myself again. As I said at the beginning it scares me to talk about this. Because it means that I might have to put a stop to it. It might mean that I have to be myself, through and through, and there is something within me that says if I do that I’ll loose out on attention, affection and love. That I won’t be cared for, I can’t be the vulnerable little Scarlett. This isn’t the truth, I see that. But this is just what I’m feeling, just wanting to get it out for clarity.

To hold myself back and delay my recovery in fear of not being cared for, looked after or loved. I expect that this echoes into other parts of my life, though how, when or why I don’t know.

I also ache to be myself though. To live through others is exhausting and constantly causes me stress. I sit here wondering how mum wants me to react. Does she want me to go for a walk? Or does she want me to take it easy? Should I take my Optislim shake or have spaghetti and garlic bread? These may seem like small things but then they go on all the time, these thoughts occur to me every five minutes.

It is something that is always on my mind- how do I a. make her happy? b. gain the most positive attention from her?

Part 6: Checking in- for real

So that’s where I’m at today. Getting in touch with where my body is actually at. Am I good, flexible, healed? Or do I actually still hurt? The answer is I still hurt. Walking around tonight has hurt, but it’s not internal pain so much but my keyhole surgery cuts on my skin- as they took out a bit of skin from my belly button. That can hurt a lot. The other pain I get is back pain, and that sort of goes straight through to my stomach as the muscles fatigue pretty easily. That happened after my walk today and mum blamed it on me sitting all day.

I would really, really like to do Sunday. My plan, I think, is to dress for it and see how I feel when I get there. I paid for it, and just walking it should be okay. I’ve had support both ways – some saying I should just take it easy and definitely not do it and others saying do it if I feel ok. I’m taking it a day at a time but I would really like to be there next to Mike and be his support, even if I do end up crossing the line ten minutes after him!

But again I have been totally in conflict about Sunday because of what people have been saying to me and I’ve put so much stock in it and stopped listening to what’s really happening with my body. I say to some people no I won’t do it, because that’s what they want to hear (like my sister, my sister in law and my mother) and to others I say I want to do it but I’ll see how I go which is more the truth. I hadn’t checked in with my body until today for the first time. Can you imagine? I went into my attack a week and a half ago and ever since I did that I have not once actually checked in with my body to see how I am without being influenced by the people around me.

I’m just going to let this sit for now.

W.I.D.T.H

Why I’m Doing This Here. Why I’m doing this, on cards. No make-up, nothing. Just naked Scarlett, baring all.

Thanks to Jack Sh*t. Click on the pic to see the bigger image, if you can’t read the cards.

33.45km of 50 completed.

Things I learned today while running:

1. I spent the majority of my runs begging to get into the ‘zone’ and for my body to feel strong, light and powerful.

In fact, I go into every single run hoping for this. Whether I want to run or not in the back of my mind I say,”please let me run in flow today”. And you know what? About 80% of the time this doesn’t happen. From my experience, and the experiences I’ve witnessed others have with running, this is normal. We have to push, we have to keep going, to keep waiting for that moment.

However something came to my mind as I ran today. There I was plodding along and felt a real fatigue in my legs. This pain that wants you to stop, to walk all the way. And in every run, no matter if I feel fatigued, or there’s something odd or off, I spend the whole run praying- yes praying- that this will eventually subside and I will be in my bliss again. Running free as a bird. But what came to mind was what George Sheehan- this guy really knows his stuff- talked about. That instead of, like most runners, fighting the pain you can’t. It will always be there. As runners it’s apart of what we do. It’s like I go out every time expecting it to be a breeze when it’s not. And then I’m surprised?

I get disappointed in myself that I hurt this time, I had to walk, I didn’t go as fast, etc. But it’s like- where am I getting these expectations from? Why do I expect to be able to run without any pain or struggle at all? So today I let the pain have at me. I just let it be there, and I ran with it- instead of against it. I accepted it was there, and wondered if it would eventually turn into a fuel for me. In the end I did walk a bit more than normal, but as I said today my legs were super fatigued for some reason. But that was one learning.

2. When I run I keep my eyes down to the ground in front of me. For a couple of reasons.

a. When I run I do so in a way that I try and make it meditative. That is, when I run I try and focus on one thing and let my thoughts roll by. By focusing on the ground before me it’s easy to do, so I’m not distracted by other things going on.

b. The more interesting reason is that I realised I am scared to look up. I am scared to look at the path before me, in case I see a hill- even the tiniest of ones. Because if I see one my mind immediately says ‘oh! hill. I’ll have to walk that.’ or ‘that’s going to be a real struggle’ or ‘you’re so tired, how are you ever going to do it?’ This is something that has to do with my setting boundaries for myself. I learned this, and I broke my initial thoughts, which is how I got to running 5k the whole way through. One day I said to myself “just keep going until you can’t.” And every time I thought “I’ll just get to that tree” or “i’ll just get to that bridge” or “I’ll just give it another 30 seconds” I had to let it go because I kept repeating “just keep going until you can’t”. So that there were no limits. I Just went. I stopped expecting myself to collapse, to be unable to keep going, I listened to what was happening in the moment to see how far I went. So this is the exact same reaction. I see something, I fear it, I tell myself I won’t be able to do it or I’ll be tired- whether that’s the truth or not. And it frustrates me so much! This is a great thing though, means that now it’s come to my awareness I can begin to let it go.

I rarely, if ever, look up. And I also realised that when I do, I get scared again. I get scared that because I’m not focusing on the path right in front of me, where I usually look, something will go wrong. I’ll notice how tired I REALLY am or I’ll suddenly start getting out of whack or something. Anything. So I focus a lot on the ground in front of me simply because I’m scared to look anywhere else in case I see/hear/notice something that I fear will cause me to stop running.

So that was interesting. And I think a couple of well recognized points, now I see them I’m able to overcome them and enjoy running even more- which is saying something because even when I run, and struggle, and am in pain, I love it. I have also learned to breath about 90% of the time down in my diaphragm now. Very happy with that.

My Biggest Loser moment

Staypuff from the CoolRunning forums messaged me and she said she would love to help me overcome my fear of swimming in the ocean, and invited me to go to the Brighton Baths with her when she swims. That is so kind, and I wish I could do it. She said though that hiring a wetsuit is $50- but there’s absolutely no way I can afford $50 for each time I visit, and I’m not sure I could even have enough money to go for enough visits to make a wetsuit worth it if I bought one. So that’s the end of that short dream, but hopefully in the future when I’m more financially stable.

Two things of interest happened to me today. Well, they interest me at least.

I got a compliment from Emma today, saying that I had really looked like I’d lost a lot of weight- including around the facial area. It was the sort of compliment I like, where the person is sort of caught off guard by my appearance and then stumbles through. It was funny when she said “you look skinny!”

The second is that my teacher needed help getting some plaster out of the car, so three of us went down to help her. I pulled it out, strained myself but eventually got it up the bloody stairs and to the classroom. I realised it was 20kg. I’d just carried 20kg and I had myself a little bit of a “Biggest Loser” moment when I realised how much weight I really had lost. You do feel lighter when you walk but I put that all down to just exercising and endorphins etc. But it really put things into perspective for me when I thought back about when I felt exhausted just walking up the street, not wanting to move off the couch, just feeling like things were a struggle in general. It makes things very clear.

And then you wonder… what the hell is it going to be like when I lose another 30?! Also, after an afternoon of starving, a dinner of carrots, capsicum and onion in some hoi sin and oyster sauce is not all that bad at all.

List of plus-size online sites

List of plus-size online sites

Copied this from here so I could remember it:

Running a 5km at your best- a post taken from LJ

Got this from here, and wanted to post it in so I could remember it because I think it’s a really good post.