Day 2 of 3

Weigh in: 142.6kgs

Meditation: 22 minutes.

Watched Eat, Pray, Love last night.

It’s the ultimate ‘what the hell am I doing with my life?’ sort of movie, and sure enough made me depressed at the end. I don’t think it’s supposed to make you feel that way. I guess if you’re someone who is living life to the fullest.

But it’s all about finding ones self. And right now, I’m here in my home and I’m doing my best to care for my heart, my body, and my mind. Taking very small steps to move out into the world again to be able to function. It feels very ‘unlike me’ to feel this way- not being able to just be sociable, to go apply for jobs, to get anxiety about all of that. And for a while there I really felt ashamed of myself. That I couldn’t just do that anymore- I mean, who was I becoming if that was the case? I wasn’t this bubbly, capable, strong woman anymore like I’d always been. So who the hell was I?

Instead of just making myself feel like a whole other person- which I’m not- I’ve realised that this is all part of me. The good and the bad, and this is stuff that’s been in me for a long time. It’s not that I’m not that other person anymore, it’s just I’m going through a massive transformation and with it comes all the things I’ve suppressed in the years that’s caused me to remain this way. I don’t think you can possibly go through losing this much weight without facing some sort of major emotional and mental shift. You must, in order to accept and be open to your next stage in life.
So even though I’m not hopping planes and spending all this fabulous money on three countries in a year and meeting all these great people I’m in my own little pocket of the Universe, and my change and facing of challenges is no less than anyone elses.

The first step into any change is surrender.

Surrender, accept.

Simply be as you are, exactly how you are, right at this moment. That is all.

142kg no change

Weigh in: 142.2kg- no change.

Firstly: I love music videos. I love them, I think they’re awesome, if I got into the film industry that’s what I’d love to get into. However the fact that they have no classification system means that kids are basically seeing gyrating, sex on sex, girls floosying themselves, guys being buff and treating women like accessories… As a kid I watched Video Hits on Saturday mornings, 8 till 11, great way to start the morning. It was never this bad in the 90s. Now, should I have kids, I would definitely be thinking twice about letting them watch it.
My point: I really wish that this negative representation of both men and women would stop digging it’s own grave and be positive reflections for everyone.

Anyway, secondly: 142.2kg. Haven’t budged. Mike hadn’t either, we were both very disappointed. When you follow the plan exactly it hurts. Last night Mike made an amazing Thai cabbage curry thing. It was awesome tasty. And then it was apparently too much for my intestines. I was stuck on the toilet for a lot there, and they’re still not 100% right today.

But Mike said to me “Remember what you tell me? You can’t possibly be on this diet without losing weight.” So, although plateaus happen he’s right- you can’t. Taking in only 600-700 calories a day once the body gets over the plateau we’ll all move on happily.

Tomorrow night is my break day. I get to eat whatever I want, and a chicken parma still sounds like it’s pretty high on the list. At the Belle in St Kilda would be even better. Still figuring out if I want to spend the whole day as a break day. I’m not talking sugar. I’m talking just eating normally.

I used to want to spend the whole day doing shakes and then have dinner as normal. I think that’s so that I don’t put everything in jeopardy but Mike mentioned well, the whole day is a write off anyway… and I have been craving a ham sandwich for so long…

The Two faces of Scarlett

 

 

Help me

 

Hopelessness.

Can I admit something?

I have a growing coldness, a detachment, from discussions on weight loss.

I’m pretty sure it comes from being bombarded by media, and also people in my life, talking about what they’re doing to lose weight and me just not seeing results (with them). It feels very tiresome to listen to all this advice and suggestions and to see nothing happen. Yesterday I was in a cafe and as I went to the lavatory out the back there were a couple of women sitting, drinking coffee, and one was talking about what she was doing to lose weight and how she was dealing with being overweight. Immediately my mind switched off. I didn’t want to hear it.

Mike has recently finished a book called Weight Loss for Food Lovers. He loves it, feels that there’s a lot in that book that has connected within him. Over the past couple of weeks, here and there, he’ll mentin something that he read in the book, a statistic or a particular way of eating or exercising that the book suggests is beneficial and the ‘right’ way to live. That is, eat in moderation and savour your food and exercise is only a particular percentage of your body change you have to change your diet in order to lose any weight etc. Stuff that we’ve all heard plenty of times before.

Then I get my newest edition of Runners World – a magazine I’ve subscribed to- and it has those pages of small facts and percentages that we all crave to know but when you really get down to it they’re all conflicting. Run less, run more, run speed work, run long, more veggies, less veggies, more fruit, eat sugar, have six cups of nuts a day, cut out bananas, eat bananas, only eat bananas before lunch, eat bananas every time you poop.

Then I go onto the running forums and there’s more advice, more right and wrong ways to eat, survive, live.

Then I talk to my mother, my brother, Mike’s family, my dad, my friends, and they all have the right way to live.

At every avenue I feel like I’m being bombarded with what I should and shouldn’t do. And it’s making me switch off, making me numb. I think I’m also smart enough to recognize that it’s all opinion, and to test it out for yourself but that’s not what I’m getting at. I know that life is better lived when you do it your way, experiment with your own self to find what works for you.

What’s really the issue?

I know this isn’t a good way to become. Prior to my optifast diet I completely discarded the idea of a shakes diet being any good for me, and me being able to stick with it. I thought others were disillusioned with what it could do for them, that the advertisements were a total farce. But Mike had decided to do it and, as his partner, I was behind him 100% whether I liked it or not. Of course I ate my words ten fold- and almost 30kgs away down the track. So I understand that my perception is limited and a disadvantage.

But I look at people around me, all these women who go on diets and end up bouncing back. Who try day in and day out like a constant battle, a fight, only to keep getting the same results. I feel like if I hear them, go near them, discuss it with them, I’ll get infected. I’ll end up feeling like a failure or not sticking to my routine or putting the kgs back on. Irrational, totally.

 

I'm not 2-faced. I promise! But there may be two of me fighting it out currently.

 

I’ve been reading blogs, reading over their experiences and struggles of trying to lose weight and feeling helpless for them. Helpless! Like I have no hope for them, no trust that they can do this. I read over the words “I put on today/I ate chocolate today/I didn’t exercise/I didn’t achieve my goal” with this lack of surprise that makes me feel so disappointed in myself. I’m waiting for someone to shake my expectation to the core, to shock the shit out of me.

I know this will not be a good impression on my readers. But you know what? I just don’t like hiding things, and I don’t like feeling dishonest, and as this is my blog and a place to express well I’m doing just that. Can’t move on and find out the source of the issue if you keep hiding it. I know this has nothing to do with those around me and everything to do with me. It has to do with me not trusting in myself, and not believing that I’m going to be able to improve where I’m at and maintain my weight at the end of the journey. So I expect others to play the same tune.

I’m still coming to terms with the fact I’m almost at 30kgs down. It is so important for me to be able to visualise and grasp the idea that I’ve lost this much weight and what it truly means to me. If I can’t see myself at my goal weight, happy and healthy and consistent and with ease then it’s more than likely going to be a hard, arduous journey and when I get there it’ll be hard for me to keep.

I would like to try things out, experiment and find a brilliant, energetic balance in my body that I enjoy. To try foods and see what makes me run faster, longer and what doesn’t. What makes me sleep better, what helps me lose weight and keep it off. To try exercises that improve my running, improve my daily flexibility.

There is definitely something in me, at all times, that still feels that past creeping up on me. “You won’t be able to keep this up.” “You’re going to put all that weight back on- plus MORE!” “How are you going to maintain this?” I’m sick and tired of it.

The resolution?

Close my eyes and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This is where the transformation of my character must take place. To do away with these thoughts and realise that I am a different person. I am still reacting and responding to my self and my lifestyle in the old way, but these are new circumstances. I’ve let go of 30kgs of weight, but what about 30kgs of reacting to, living as, expecting and believing things? I have to start walking the talk, for real. Inside and out. Where do you even begin? Seriously? How do you start seeing yourself as this new person? I suppose that’s exactly where you start. By closing your eyes and seeing yourself as this new person. More and more and more, all day, every day.

Hot 100 | Week 4

1. To be at 120kgs or lighter by January 1st 2011

133kgs by 20th of October 2010 – this is appearing more and more likely as each day goes by.

2. To run 5km in 50 minutes or less, right through without stopping.

Ran today- 2.85kms in 30 mins. Coupled with some power walking and upped my speed since I was on a tready at the gym. May have pushed more than I should have but I’m still here and alive and enjoying this cup of tea. So getting back on track with all that. Doc said I can get back into my proper exercise routine six weeks after my surgery- that’s still three weeks away. Argh! I wanted to do the 1000 steps tomorrow with Mike but he refuses as he knows what’s best for my body better than I do.

3. To drink 3 shakes and have only veggies for 2 weeks. Have an evening meal free from restriction at the end of two weeks. Do this repetition for the whole 100 days. This equates to 7 restriction free meals between now and the end of the year. This also excludes Christmas, Boxing Day and NYE.

Week 1 completed- Only veggies. No

Week 2 completed- with evening meal. No

Week 3 completed- Only veggies. No

Week 4 completed- with evening meal. Yes. I did the whole thing, and am realigned with my body and my eating once again.

4. To run 50kms in 30 days.

TBA still. Can’t start this until I am fully recovered.

 

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Weigh in: 134.7kgs [294.8 lbs]. 28.1kgs [61.6 lbs] away into the wind.

I’ve added a calculator on the right side of my blog because every time I go to another person’s blog I have to keep pulling one up since I can’t yet calculate pounds into kilos in my mind. It’s almost, basically, half. A kilo is 2.2 pounds, or 1 pound is .45kgs. So in case you read this and want to know how to convert the calculator is only a click away!

This blog is really a vein in my life right now. Or maybe an artery, since it helps me survive on this journey. More than survive, live. It pumps energy and strength into me. I think I’ll update my About Me page since it doesn’t really say a lot. Who wants to know what about me? I have no idea.

The idea that I’ve lost 28kgs, almost 30, has not hit home yet. I feel great, I enjoy my reflection, and all the things that used to deter me and make me feel bad about myself, they’re deteriorating. You forget them sometimes. I don’t want to say it, but I do. I forget them, and I sit here still feeling fat and still feeling overweight. And I forget that I didn’t used to fit in these pants, in this shirt, in this chair. I didn’t used to feel so comfortable walking in these flat shoes. I didn’t like looking at my reflection. I had back pain, knee pain, I was tired. So tired. All my money would be used on binges. I didn’t savour food. This irritated throat I have now, that would have blasted into oblivion since I wasn’t flushing my system out with water. I didn’t have a clear head. I wasn’t happy.

I admit it, I forget all that sometimes. I take things for granted. Moving around easily and feeling happy with myself and knowing there’s more to life and I can have it.

I know this blog doesn’t mean as much to others as it does to me. But there are blogs out there that make me think “oh my holy gosh, that person is AWESOME.” Like Ms Bitch Cakes AJH and Jack Sh*t. These are peeps who have done the hard yards and are maintaining them. And my weight adjustment is reaching heights that they set, and I never thought I would set. I see people on TV and on the internet with different levels of weight loss and the majority of them I sit back and go “whoa… I’ve lost more than you- you look amazing.”

Time to start working on my mental health, making sure my inner perception follows through with the transformation.

Top 10 about where I’m at.

I have a distorted perception of my surgery. Every person I’ve talked to says take it easy, be gentle, be careful.

And I am still in pain every now and then, definitely. Nothing major but it is still there. And my body sometimes just gets fatigued a lot.

But when people say “I can’t believe you did the 5k on Sunday and you just had surgery!” Two weeks ago today I had it, and even though I register in my head that two weeks really isn’t much when you’re healing from something like this I don’t feel like I’m still in the danger zone. I might very well be, but mentally I sort of brush it away. This could be both beneficial and negative for me. It means I’m getting my body active and healthy, which further promotes good health and healing inside. But also means that if I push it too much it can be damaging. So I think today I just have to take it easy.

As SouthBeachSteve posted, and I think it’s about time!

 

The top 10 best things (or the 10 things that come to mind straight away) about being where I’m at after losing 26.5kgs.

 

1. I feel good when I walk. I feel good in my body, I feel confident, I move easily, I feel attractive.

2. I look at myself in the mirror, or in photos, and I like what I see. This is a biggy. I never thought it was such a big one until I got to a point in my weight when I took photos of myself and I hated myself in all of them, even the ones just of my face. It wasn’t like that for me until then and it is now something I absolutely cherish.

3. Of course, fitting into clothes. Fitting into these clothes I’ve had for a long while and expanded out of. Clothes that I have had for about three years back in St Kilda and I felt great then and now I get to wear them again.

4. Recognizing that I am at a weight that I was at three years ago when I was in the best health (that has now been clocked by where I’m at currently). So from here on in it’s constantly new PB’s.

5. Eating foods and enjoying them three times as much because my tastebuds are so sensitive after not bombarding them with sugar and other artificial and processed foods. Meat and veggies are a whole new awesome world.

6. I am enjoying warm weather and sunny days more. I want to be out in them, instead of hidden because I can’t wear a skirt comfortably, or at all, or any dresses.

7. I feel energetic. I don’t need my afternoon siestas because I just don’t get tired. I want to be out there moving around. And the more I’m out there the more I want it.

8. I am achieving goals I never thought I could achieve. And that in turn gives a ripple effect to other goals in my life.

9. My emotional swings don’t happen so ferociously. I am a much happier person in general. When I get low I know they’re temporary and I don’t feel like they’re the be all and end all. And when the lows hit they aren’t as low as they weren’t before. Not nearly!

10. I live more in the now, in a time and place where I appreciate and am grateful for everything around me. I achieve- what I consider as- my higher self. I’m a big believer in personal growth, in spirituality, and getting in touch with that centre, that source (whether you consider it God, The Universe, Buddha, etc) is what this is all about. Getting to my higher self in a state of now, of connection and of clarity.

Cry Wolf.

I am not myself.

I want to tell you something. Something that scares me to confess it, but that’s okay. It’s okay to be scared sometimes.

Part 1: Confession

When I was younger, in fact when I was older too, when I got sick more often than not I would fake it. This would be, of course, to get out of school. However I carried this into the workforce. The percentage of days I’ve actually been sick as opposed to just taking a sickie would probably wrap up to about 15-20% actually physically sick. But I would say that 80% of the 80% left has to do with mental health days- I think that’s what they’re called these days anyway. Just the days of depression/struggle/anxiety/general exhaustion or downtime. I think these are important, though.

However this isn’t just Scarlett not wanting to go into work. This has- in recent times now that I’m back at school- relayed again. I want school, I love school, it is a choice and hell- I’m paying for it. And yet I take days off. I’ll find excuses of being sick to curl up in bed and not move, a mental block rising up and I return to my childhood roots.

Because when I was younger I used to pretend I was sick, and now days when I take sickies it’s because of mental issues rather than physical issues, it makes me feel as though when I AM sick- I’m a farce. Sort of like crying wolf. And this has then lead to me putting on an act.

Part 2: Me trying to explain it more

I react to people around me, and situations around me, in a certain way that makes me completely blind as to how I actually am. Hmmm how do I explain this better? When I am sick I am influenced by all the times in my past that I wasn’t sick but said I was just so I could feel fragile or vulnerable or seek a bit of extra loving/caring/attention- and this leads to me emphasizing how I feel whether I am in pain or not. This was especially noticeable to me today, because I have this face on all the time when I’m around my mum.

I act in a specific fashion so as to get the response that I’m expecting. For example, when I stand up or sit down I might wince. I won’t even be in pain, but I’ll wince. This is to get mum’s attention, to tell her “yes I’m not well, I’m still fragile, look after me! Notice me!” When I walk around I hunch- to convey that I can’t stand up straight as I might be in pain. When I walk I walk slowly, like a grandmother.

But the thing is I even do this in times when there is no one around. I move, and wince, and stand in such a way that conveys I am fragile, vulnerable, still in pain when I very well may not be. This is something that’s just begun to come to consciousness. I have known for a long while that the child inside me, the little Scarlett, seeks attention when I am sick (mentally or physically). That I might emphasize particular aspects to get the extra cuddle, to get the “are you okay?” But I never realised that- especially now that I’m actually recovering from something- I have no idea at what rate my recovery is happening. I’ve only checked in with my body about 5% of the time.

Part 3: Change? Trying to do it differently

So while I walked today I really thought long and hard on it. If it was just me, and I didn’t have anyone looking after me and I went into the hospital and out- how would I be? How would I react? How quickly would I recover? First of all I saw that I want to recover- and quickly. I want to be active again. I want to run, swim, get back into my gym hopping routine. I want my clean vegetarian diet. I want to stretch and feel good about myself. I know that my body recovers very well and is really healthy.

I might even be ready to run on Sunday if that happened. But it would only be in a place where I would be on my own, independent. You may think that’s not a good idea when recovering- and I agree of course. There was definitely a stage up to a few days ago where I had to have others do stuff for me and help me get dressed cos I couldn’t do it myself. Whether I liked it or not, whether I was acting or not my body would say “Whoa shit! Sit down”.

But with others around I am so influenced and my ego seeks attention so constantly I have lost who I am and how capable I am. Such as whenever my mum offers me any food, I accept because this part of me that feels 5 years old wants to be approved by her and will take her offerings.

Part 5: The ripple effect. Where else in my life?

I do this with everyone. Mike, my mum, my dad, my housemates. It doesn’t matter whom I am around I do it.

And so I’m trying to find myself again. As I said at the beginning it scares me to talk about this. Because it means that I might have to put a stop to it. It might mean that I have to be myself, through and through, and there is something within me that says if I do that I’ll loose out on attention, affection and love. That I won’t be cared for, I can’t be the vulnerable little Scarlett. This isn’t the truth, I see that. But this is just what I’m feeling, just wanting to get it out for clarity.

To hold myself back and delay my recovery in fear of not being cared for, looked after or loved. I expect that this echoes into other parts of my life, though how, when or why I don’t know.

I also ache to be myself though. To live through others is exhausting and constantly causes me stress. I sit here wondering how mum wants me to react. Does she want me to go for a walk? Or does she want me to take it easy? Should I take my Optislim shake or have spaghetti and garlic bread? These may seem like small things but then they go on all the time, these thoughts occur to me every five minutes.

It is something that is always on my mind- how do I a. make her happy? b. gain the most positive attention from her?

Part 6: Checking in- for real

So that’s where I’m at today. Getting in touch with where my body is actually at. Am I good, flexible, healed? Or do I actually still hurt? The answer is I still hurt. Walking around tonight has hurt, but it’s not internal pain so much but my keyhole surgery cuts on my skin- as they took out a bit of skin from my belly button. That can hurt a lot. The other pain I get is back pain, and that sort of goes straight through to my stomach as the muscles fatigue pretty easily. That happened after my walk today and mum blamed it on me sitting all day.

I would really, really like to do Sunday. My plan, I think, is to dress for it and see how I feel when I get there. I paid for it, and just walking it should be okay. I’ve had support both ways – some saying I should just take it easy and definitely not do it and others saying do it if I feel ok. I’m taking it a day at a time but I would really like to be there next to Mike and be his support, even if I do end up crossing the line ten minutes after him!

But again I have been totally in conflict about Sunday because of what people have been saying to me and I’ve put so much stock in it and stopped listening to what’s really happening with my body. I say to some people no I won’t do it, because that’s what they want to hear (like my sister, my sister in law and my mother) and to others I say I want to do it but I’ll see how I go which is more the truth. I hadn’t checked in with my body until today for the first time. Can you imagine? I went into my attack a week and a half ago and ever since I did that I have not once actually checked in with my body to see how I am without being influenced by the people around me.

I’m just going to let this sit for now.

Motherly love.

My scales are being very inconsistent. First it’s down a kilo then up two kilos and then down one and blah.

I’m at my mum’s this week. I initially thought being here was going to be really good and make it easy to get back onto strict optislim. Not a chance.

Even though my mum, to me, is the epitome of discipline- she wants to love. I get that. Being in her presence just makes me sort of keep my guard up at all times as I grew up feeling ashamed to overeat in front of her. Or not even overeat but indulge in food. If there’s chocolate guaranteed I’ll want more if I’m eating some with her. There’s this part of me that says I can only have a limited amount and so comes in the shame and all that bruhaha.

So yesterday I’m like great! Shakes, some corn thins, I’m all set no worries. Then she makes spaghetti for dinner. And garlic bread. And then she has apparently gone out some time in the day and come back with what looks like no less than two dozen packs of magnum ice creams that are all packed away in the freezer. Half of them are egos! I don’t think she knows that just one of those ice creams is the daily caloric intake in general of a normal human being. Hell, I know and it didn’t stop me. On the one hand she is absolutely and completely supportive of me being on Optislim and if I told her to just make me veggies and I’ll keep to the shakes she’ll do it. But then on the other hand there’s this part of her which likes to treat too. Like me. And it’s so conflicting. But that’s mum’s and I understand that.

Then in the pantry are cruel, cruel things that I end up snacking on after she goes to bed. Kettle chips, honey coated macadamias, choc chunk bikkies.

So here I am thinking “I’ll be responsible! I’ll tell her to support me, to only offer veggies for dinner.” But for two reason I don’t want to do that.

1. I still want to give myself the luxurious option of eating all that crap. If I tell her that then that deep shame will return in full force, and be hovering over me every minute of the day and I just don’t have the energy to deal with it.

2. I want to be able to be strong enough to do it myself, handle it myself, and to actually be responsible no matter what my situation is. I will always remember the first two weeks Mike and I did Optislim. We went to his mates place and drank nothing but water while watching everyone else eat pizza, chips, chocolate, cheese and biscuits and drinking coke. We didn’t touch it. And we went home and had our veggies.

But what do you do when she’s made up an eight foot pot of spaghetti and we’ll probably be eating it today and tomorrow as well? I think I just have to get my priorities in order. Have the shakes, accept the spaghetti, and get on with the day. That sounds like a good plan. Also today I might be able to go for a walk if it doesn’t shit down.

Kryptonite.

I have added a Hot 100 page as you can see above, just to better keep track of my goals and how I’m progressing. I’ve also adjusted some of the goals, so that I feel that I can sustain them better.

Listened to some advice yesterday, and I’m not exercising today which means I’m 10ks off my 50kms in 30 days goal. I think it’s the better decision.

I am in a place at the moment where I am trying to be superwoman. As much as possible. Trying to pretend that my body can do anything I make it do, push it as hard as I want to, and I will only improve, get better, gain health and wisdom and all that other shomozzle. I put aside the fact I’m human and pretended no one understood the real potential in me. I mean come on, for all those who tell me to back off- how could you possibly know how hard or how little I’m actually pushing myself? How could you know what my body is capable of or how good I am? </ego>

For some reason I exclude myself from everyone else and think that somehow I’ll just be better. And it’s also fueled by panic. If I have a day off or if I eat something that’s not on my meal plan then I feel I have to make up, be constantly active, make sure I’m burning calories. I know that being constantly active is a good thing, but I mean going to the gym every day and pushing myself, running more and more instead of giving my body a rest day as it needs. If I stop who knows what will catch up to me. I still have that sense of yesterday hovering over my shoulder. That at any moment something will happen and everything will unravel and that will be the be all and end all of all the work I’ve done. I really do feel like I’m constantly on my toes.

Even Superheroes have their weaknesses. That’s what makes them superheroes, isn’t it?

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Yesterday:

3.5km- run. 35 mins.

25mins- BodyAttack @ the gym.

33.45km of 50 completed.

Things I learned today while running:

1. I spent the majority of my runs begging to get into the ‘zone’ and for my body to feel strong, light and powerful.

In fact, I go into every single run hoping for this. Whether I want to run or not in the back of my mind I say,”please let me run in flow today”. And you know what? About 80% of the time this doesn’t happen. From my experience, and the experiences I’ve witnessed others have with running, this is normal. We have to push, we have to keep going, to keep waiting for that moment.

However something came to my mind as I ran today. There I was plodding along and felt a real fatigue in my legs. This pain that wants you to stop, to walk all the way. And in every run, no matter if I feel fatigued, or there’s something odd or off, I spend the whole run praying- yes praying- that this will eventually subside and I will be in my bliss again. Running free as a bird. But what came to mind was what George Sheehan- this guy really knows his stuff- talked about. That instead of, like most runners, fighting the pain you can’t. It will always be there. As runners it’s apart of what we do. It’s like I go out every time expecting it to be a breeze when it’s not. And then I’m surprised?

I get disappointed in myself that I hurt this time, I had to walk, I didn’t go as fast, etc. But it’s like- where am I getting these expectations from? Why do I expect to be able to run without any pain or struggle at all? So today I let the pain have at me. I just let it be there, and I ran with it- instead of against it. I accepted it was there, and wondered if it would eventually turn into a fuel for me. In the end I did walk a bit more than normal, but as I said today my legs were super fatigued for some reason. But that was one learning.

2. When I run I keep my eyes down to the ground in front of me. For a couple of reasons.

a. When I run I do so in a way that I try and make it meditative. That is, when I run I try and focus on one thing and let my thoughts roll by. By focusing on the ground before me it’s easy to do, so I’m not distracted by other things going on.

b. The more interesting reason is that I realised I am scared to look up. I am scared to look at the path before me, in case I see a hill- even the tiniest of ones. Because if I see one my mind immediately says ‘oh! hill. I’ll have to walk that.’ or ‘that’s going to be a real struggle’ or ‘you’re so tired, how are you ever going to do it?’ This is something that has to do with my setting boundaries for myself. I learned this, and I broke my initial thoughts, which is how I got to running 5k the whole way through. One day I said to myself “just keep going until you can’t.” And every time I thought “I’ll just get to that tree” or “i’ll just get to that bridge” or “I’ll just give it another 30 seconds” I had to let it go because I kept repeating “just keep going until you can’t”. So that there were no limits. I Just went. I stopped expecting myself to collapse, to be unable to keep going, I listened to what was happening in the moment to see how far I went. So this is the exact same reaction. I see something, I fear it, I tell myself I won’t be able to do it or I’ll be tired- whether that’s the truth or not. And it frustrates me so much! This is a great thing though, means that now it’s come to my awareness I can begin to let it go.

I rarely, if ever, look up. And I also realised that when I do, I get scared again. I get scared that because I’m not focusing on the path right in front of me, where I usually look, something will go wrong. I’ll notice how tired I REALLY am or I’ll suddenly start getting out of whack or something. Anything. So I focus a lot on the ground in front of me simply because I’m scared to look anywhere else in case I see/hear/notice something that I fear will cause me to stop running.

So that was interesting. And I think a couple of well recognized points, now I see them I’m able to overcome them and enjoy running even more- which is saying something because even when I run, and struggle, and am in pain, I love it. I have also learned to breath about 90% of the time down in my diaphragm now. Very happy with that.

The Planting Program.

Well that was superannoying.

I just did this whole video blog and then when I saved it, cos I typed in “desktop” incorrectly in the ‘save as location’ area it suddenly errored on me and my recording disappeared. DO NOT LIKE. If I miss-spell something just TELL me, and I’ll spell it correctly!

Anyway. Update.

19.4kg lost as of today, I’m down to 143.6kg which is really big for me but something I haven’t quite registered yet mentally. 143 is a number that I’m still sort of like, “wow I’d love to be that weight” and yeah, now I am. It feels so foreign, like it just couldn’t happen that when it DOES happen I still don’t believe it.

Also have to let go of my paranoia about not exercising. Being on Optifast means you don’t have to exercise a whole lot, if at all, to keep losing weight. Exercising, of course, it’s optimal but if you can’t you’ll still lose weight or at least maintain it. How you can maintain your weight on under 700 calories a day I don’t know, but my BMR is burning it all off as I go. I can’t wait for all this stuff happening in my body to let go and I’ll feel good and strong again. Really makes you appreciate what you have when you get back to being healthy.

Also to remind myself today- keep looking at and imagining my healthy self. Make new dreams, imagine new goals, get in touch with the ideas and thoughts that I want to have. I think I will dub this “The Planting Program”. Sort of like planting new trees and plants out in the environment, I’m planting seeds of trees, fruits, vegetables and flowers in my mind and I’m going to keep nourishing them so that they grow strong and healthy, while the old weeds, trees and plants that I used to nourish whittle away and die peacefully- and even in the event of their death their remains can be used to further fertalize the Earth.

I hope this imagery is making sense to you.

It makes perfect sense to me. And I want to explain it this way because it’s easiest for me to understand, and to attach to. I think it’s a very healthy way of approaching my mental renovation.