Day 2 of 3

Weigh in: 142.6kgs

Meditation: 22 minutes.

Watched Eat, Pray, Love last night.

It’s the ultimate ‘what the hell am I doing with my life?’ sort of movie, and sure enough made me depressed at the end. I don’t think it’s supposed to make you feel that way. I guess if you’re someone who is living life to the fullest.

But it’s all about finding ones self. And right now, I’m here in my home and I’m doing my best to care for my heart, my body, and my mind. Taking very small steps to move out into the world again to be able to function. It feels very ‘unlike me’ to feel this way- not being able to just be sociable, to go apply for jobs, to get anxiety about all of that. And for a while there I really felt ashamed of myself. That I couldn’t just do that anymore- I mean, who was I becoming if that was the case? I wasn’t this bubbly, capable, strong woman anymore like I’d always been. So who the hell was I?

Instead of just making myself feel like a whole other person- which I’m not- I’ve realised that this is all part of me. The good and the bad, and this is stuff that’s been in me for a long time. It’s not that I’m not that other person anymore, it’s just I’m going through a massive transformation and with it comes all the things I’ve suppressed in the years that’s caused me to remain this way. I don’t think you can possibly go through losing this much weight without facing some sort of major emotional and mental shift. You must, in order to accept and be open to your next stage in life.
So even though I’m not hopping planes and spending all this fabulous money on three countries in a year and meeting all these great people I’m in my own little pocket of the Universe, and my change and facing of challenges is no less than anyone elses.

The first step into any change is surrender.

Surrender, accept.

Simply be as you are, exactly how you are, right at this moment. That is all.

Day 1 of 3

Weigh in: 143.2kg

Meditation: 22mins- I’ve stopped giving myself a limit and now just time myself, instead of trying to ‘make it to the end’- which I feel some what defeats the purpose of being in the now with meditation.

I don’t understand the weigh in. I gave in to fast food last night, after a very good first day. But I was craving and I said, ok, I’ll do it. So why I’ve gone back down after my weekend- which I went back up to 144kg.

*shrugs* A little less than two weeks now for Mike’s birthday. My goal for that would be to be under 140kgs. That was my goal for last Sunday and it didn’t happen. That’s okay.

But you know what’s really, really hard? When you diet perfectly and the weight doesn’t budge. So long as you can continue on with a clear head- that’s great and the weight will continue to drop. But there is a deep sting that comes along with that, and I personally have an evil little voice that says “you haven’t lost anything, why not just eat today? Ain’t gonna make a difference if the scales say the same thing tomorrow.” That’s really really hard. Trying to convince yourself out of that trap.

Anyway, slow day today. Doing research for my novel all day and might put on Wall Street. Today is day 1 of 3.

142kg no change

Weigh in: 142.2kg- no change.

Firstly: I love music videos. I love them, I think they’re awesome, if I got into the film industry that’s what I’d love to get into. However the fact that they have no classification system means that kids are basically seeing gyrating, sex on sex, girls floosying themselves, guys being buff and treating women like accessories… As a kid I watched Video Hits on Saturday mornings, 8 till 11, great way to start the morning. It was never this bad in the 90s. Now, should I have kids, I would definitely be thinking twice about letting them watch it.
My point: I really wish that this negative representation of both men and women would stop digging it’s own grave and be positive reflections for everyone.

Anyway, secondly: 142.2kg. Haven’t budged. Mike hadn’t either, we were both very disappointed. When you follow the plan exactly it hurts. Last night Mike made an amazing Thai cabbage curry thing. It was awesome tasty. And then it was apparently too much for my intestines. I was stuck on the toilet for a lot there, and they’re still not 100% right today.

But Mike said to me “Remember what you tell me? You can’t possibly be on this diet without losing weight.” So, although plateaus happen he’s right- you can’t. Taking in only 600-700 calories a day once the body gets over the plateau we’ll all move on happily.

Tomorrow night is my break day. I get to eat whatever I want, and a chicken parma still sounds like it’s pretty high on the list. At the Belle in St Kilda would be even better. Still figuring out if I want to spend the whole day as a break day. I’m not talking sugar. I’m talking just eating normally.

I used to want to spend the whole day doing shakes and then have dinner as normal. I think that’s so that I don’t put everything in jeopardy but Mike mentioned well, the whole day is a write off anyway… and I have been craving a ham sandwich for so long…

2 hour rule

Weigh in: 142.2kg: .6 down
Meditation: 20 minutes.

Was going to go for a walk. Then it rained. And I have cramps today too. So yay for me.

Got up at 8, weighed myself. No loss. 2 hour rule after I went back to bed and had two hours more of sleep and was down half a kilo. I don’t know what happens in that two hours, maybe cos the metabolism kicks in. It doesn’t always work but 85% of the time it does. Anyway, still disappointed- if you can believe it- that it’s only .6kgs after burning 500+ cals yesterday and not straying at all from the diet. 2 x .6kgs is 1.2kgs tomorrow so fuck you negative thoughts.

I’m cool though. I wasn’t this morning. The moment you realise you haven’t lost a thing from all that work it’s like everything goes out the window. EVERY-THING. “Pfft, fuck it, I’m going to go eat some white bread and some ham goddamn it.” Why is it an all or nothing thing?
So I reminded myself of my 3 days rule. At the moment I’m on day 2 of 3 days. 3 days, that’s all I gotta get through. Just do it today and tomorrow- that’s all I’m asking of myself. And that relieved a lot of pressure.

Can I tell you how much I’m in love with Bitch Cakes? I’m so in love with her, I’m in awe of her. She is exactly who I want to be… she sees all the things I see in my mind, but is able to verbalize them in some way that is comprehensible. Especially her more recent entries on what living at her goal weight means identity wise. She’s not ‘the fat girl’ anymore. I think I really underestimate how much of my life is effected, or guided, or structured by my weight and how I feel about myself. Anyway, she’s a Goddess.

And to add to Cilla’s comment on the last post: Yes, I am seeing a professional regarding my anxiety. Thanks for the suggestion.

Semiotics, pfft.

Weigh in: 142.8kg

Meditation: none as yet

 

Man I’m up early. Anyway, yesterday I thought I’d fucked everything up just cos I ate some of these soya crisp things which are obviously manufactured by the Devil’s factory down in hell since I couldn’t stop eating them. Look, I had a very moderate serving of them- but when I first looked at the calories I was blown away. I’m someone who automatically links the word ‘soy’ with ‘healthy’. So they may have been healthy if you only had like, three. Three of these tiny stick looking things. But they tasted like cheeseburgers. So I had more than three.

And I thought I bombed the whole day. It’s those days you have to let it all go. Not the good eating- but the paranoia.

Meanwhile… off to do some designing.

Nomnomnomnom

I hate pizza last night. It was pretty good, but I ate from the neck up. So I don’t recall tasting it as so much just wanting it in my mouth. Then I had a bit of ice cream.

 

Not bad this morning, since I walked those bastard hills to dad’s house.

143.9kg. That’s +1.2kg

Off to have my meditation!

Are you just being…nice to me scales?

Sneaky Sneaky?

I don’t know if it’s total bullshit or not but the scales registered me today at a 1.7kg loss.

That in itself isn’t bullshit. This is the first week on Optislim and it’s the water weight that drops first.

It’s just… I don’t know… I’m using my Housemate’s scales. They’re weight watcher ones and she said they’re not really trustworthy- although sometimes they are. For instance the other day she got on them and each time she got on (because you never just get on once do you?) it had a difference, sometimes of .3 sometimes of .5. Given our bathroom floor isn’t simply flat I agree- this happens with my own scales. You have to keep them in the exact same place to get the exact same level of reading.

So yesterday when I got on hers- because the batteries died in mine- they gave me a solid reading. 144.4. They told me this twice, or maybe three times. Then after I had my shake and tested my weight again it was 144.8. So this sort of reading sounds pretty good.

So getting on it three times this morning to read 142.7kgs I think just maybe gave me a shock? I don’t want to believe it till I get on scales I trust?

However- if this *is* true then that means I’m back to the 20kg mark. Hazzah! 20.3kg lost, actually. Or not so much lost as… dissolved.

 

Garmin

This afternoon I’m walking over to my dad’s place- he’s about 5k’s away over in Ringwood East. I always wanted to walk it, this area is so lush with nature. However there are some Yay-hole hills to climb. But this is the perfect opportunity to wear the Garmin and the heart strap so that’s what I’m doing.

Completed:

Day: 1 of 3

Meditation: 30 minutes

Weigh in: 142.7kg

The image in my mind | Day 11 of Optislim

I have a particular image in my head I’d like to revisit. The emotions, the sensations, the vibrancy.

off for a run around Jells

It’s the day I was admitted into hospital for my gallstones. No, I don’t want to revisit that! Prior to being driven to the Emergency Room at Monash Mike and I went out to Jells Park here in Melbourne. It was an absolutely glorious day and after we both went for a 2.5km run around the lake we sat down on a blanket and ate some fruit and I listened to some music and chilled out while Mike went and took photos.

It’s – until the gall stone attack- one of my favorite moments. It’s a combination of… pride- for running around the track and feeling great about it, positive self esteem- because I was coming up to the 30kgs lost mark, joy- for the fruit I was eating I just…

at Jells Park

it was delicious and just what I wanted and I felt great I was in a place that I fed my body exactly what I needed and I wasn’t craving anything else, and inner peace. And endorphins.

So yeah, that’s what’s in my mind. That’s what I’m going towards.

Today: 144.4kgs 1.4 lost

Meditation: 30 minutes.

 

 

Also, when the running kicks in- I cannot CANNOT WAIT to use the crap out of my Garmin. I’m so in love with that thing.

Day 4 of 23- Optislim

Mike’s birthday on the 8th of April.

 

I’m at 145.5kgs today and reading good on the ketostix. About half way across.

 

I’m not really emoting about this currently. Just keeping it in perspective. I’ve meditated yesterday and today which helps- a LOT.

 

Would also like to buy Dean Karnazes book 50/50 me thinks.

Hot 100 | Week 4

1. To be at 120kgs or lighter by January 1st 2011

133kgs by 20th of October 2010 – this is appearing more and more likely as each day goes by.

2. To run 5km in 50 minutes or less, right through without stopping.

Ran today- 2.85kms in 30 mins. Coupled with some power walking and upped my speed since I was on a tready at the gym. May have pushed more than I should have but I’m still here and alive and enjoying this cup of tea. So getting back on track with all that. Doc said I can get back into my proper exercise routine six weeks after my surgery- that’s still three weeks away. Argh! I wanted to do the 1000 steps tomorrow with Mike but he refuses as he knows what’s best for my body better than I do.

3. To drink 3 shakes and have only veggies for 2 weeks. Have an evening meal free from restriction at the end of two weeks. Do this repetition for the whole 100 days. This equates to 7 restriction free meals between now and the end of the year. This also excludes Christmas, Boxing Day and NYE.

Week 1 completed- Only veggies. No

Week 2 completed- with evening meal. No

Week 3 completed- Only veggies. No

Week 4 completed- with evening meal. Yes. I did the whole thing, and am realigned with my body and my eating once again.

4. To run 50kms in 30 days.

TBA still. Can’t start this until I am fully recovered.

 

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Weigh in: 134.7kgs [294.8 lbs]. 28.1kgs [61.6 lbs] away into the wind.

I’ve added a calculator on the right side of my blog because every time I go to another person’s blog I have to keep pulling one up since I can’t yet calculate pounds into kilos in my mind. It’s almost, basically, half. A kilo is 2.2 pounds, or 1 pound is .45kgs. So in case you read this and want to know how to convert the calculator is only a click away!

This blog is really a vein in my life right now. Or maybe an artery, since it helps me survive on this journey. More than survive, live. It pumps energy and strength into me. I think I’ll update my About Me page since it doesn’t really say a lot. Who wants to know what about me? I have no idea.

The idea that I’ve lost 28kgs, almost 30, has not hit home yet. I feel great, I enjoy my reflection, and all the things that used to deter me and make me feel bad about myself, they’re deteriorating. You forget them sometimes. I don’t want to say it, but I do. I forget them, and I sit here still feeling fat and still feeling overweight. And I forget that I didn’t used to fit in these pants, in this shirt, in this chair. I didn’t used to feel so comfortable walking in these flat shoes. I didn’t like looking at my reflection. I had back pain, knee pain, I was tired. So tired. All my money would be used on binges. I didn’t savour food. This irritated throat I have now, that would have blasted into oblivion since I wasn’t flushing my system out with water. I didn’t have a clear head. I wasn’t happy.

I admit it, I forget all that sometimes. I take things for granted. Moving around easily and feeling happy with myself and knowing there’s more to life and I can have it.

I know this blog doesn’t mean as much to others as it does to me. But there are blogs out there that make me think “oh my holy gosh, that person is AWESOME.” Like Ms Bitch Cakes AJH and Jack Sh*t. These are peeps who have done the hard yards and are maintaining them. And my weight adjustment is reaching heights that they set, and I never thought I would set. I see people on TV and on the internet with different levels of weight loss and the majority of them I sit back and go “whoa… I’ve lost more than you- you look amazing.”

Time to start working on my mental health, making sure my inner perception follows through with the transformation.